My tweet from this morning: "Not to be dramatic but my whole life is falling apart and worthless and when I look into my future it's a fucking abyss because I'm not actually good at anything." 8:19am
I've been fighting this shit hard the past couple weeks. But this morning I started having suicidal thoughts again. I felt like I really wasn't gonna do anything worthwhile in this life. My usually active older brother is hospitalized due to a head injury and cannot speak, I've had no luck in finding a job so I'm barely surviving off my birthday money, I feel like I lost my friends and I'm close to cutting off people I love. This website and blog and all the projects I want to accomplish seem like a failure already. Somehow this isn't the worst I've felt but it is still awful.
The past week my brain has been replaying my mistakes, bad decisions, and embarrassing moments. One of them is quite recent and is singlehandedly the most humiliating thing to ever happen and I'm sure I'll never get over it. This is what led to my deteriorating health. Well, at least it was a huge factor in it. Other factors include the loss of belief in myself, the worsening of my unknown condition, and the fact that I've fallen off the road to my ideal self. I see who they are in my mind but it seems unreachable and like I shouldn't even try. I'm trudging along all alone aimlessly. I'm avoiding things I need to do.
Avoidance is one of my most significant weaknesses.
How do I typically live through these terrible days? Unfortunately I suffer for a while until I find the energy to get my shit together. That's depression. Even when I "get my shit together" I am only holding on as well as I can at that time. It's not as easy as pulling yourself up by the bootstraps when it's your own brain dragging you down to the point where you're fighting it just to function normally. To answer the above question, I don't deal with it. I avoid, I avoid, I avoid. I don't talk to people. I don't really go outside. I don't take medication. I don't exercise. I don't cook healthy meals or drink water. I distract myself from some of the pain through entertainment- television and my imagination. That's until my brain wakes up from its depressive slumber. I wish I could tell you that I handle it better but this is my reality and I am ashamed.
I could tell you about how we should deal with these bad mental health days but I think I just listed a few that I don't do but should do. I will offer some advice regardless of my tendency to not follow it. Trying to do one thing you don't have much energy for such as laundry, dishes, cleaning your room/bathroom, responding to a text/call/email, etc. each day will provide you with a productive week.
1 task a day = 7 tasks you achieved
And of course you can bump the numbers up if you feel you can handle it. I'm on the same road as you are so let's try this together. I have lots to do. About 2 loads of laundry, cleaning my bathroom, reply to an email, change my major, drop and replace my fall classes, and finish combing out my matted hair. Oh and finding people who actually want to act in Supernova SO I CAN START FILMING. That last thing I'm very motivated to do but I need help which I can't seem to get.
Things appear hopeless. But they aren't. They are rarely truly hopeless. I always remind myself that even if I doubt my abilities I have to try. I would hate myself more if I didn't at least try to make a career out of writing and working in television. A quote I have on my my whiteboard calendar is as written:
"Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will." ~ Suzy Kassem
I now carry this quote with me at all times. Lying in bed in the morning with suicidal ideations on my mind I see this quote and realize to just try to do my best, even if my best is small at the moment. Bad mental health days can be excruciating or slightly discomfiting but either way it's important to remember that we deserve love, peace, joy, and the respect to take these days off for the better of ourselves.
Happy Friday and Hello June!
