Well I have felt like complete shit lol. I haven't exactly gotten my life together and everything seems to be going downhill for all eternity so why try? Fuck it. I'm gonna try anyways. I'm just gonna give you another 5 updates and they're probably not all gonna be what you want to hear.
1. My mental health is deteriorating. I can feel myself being whisked away into oblivion. I'm suicidal. In addition to my depression and anxiety I believe I have a personality disorder and dissociative disorder. I'm afraid to see a doctor for fear of being judged and accused of being a hypochondriac again. I feel worthless, like a failure, obnoxious, desperate, and damaged beyond repair. I'm afraid to talk to people because I'd be very easy to take advantage of.
2. I think due to stress from my English class in July I stopped eating. I would sit in class with my stomach completely empty and growling loudly because I hadn't eaten dinner the night before or breakfast that morning. I didn't realize until I stepped on the scale and saw I lost 10lbs. I continued to check and kept losing weight. I just wasn't hungry. Well I was so starving that I couldn't physically eat so I just didn't. I started noticing the weight loss in my stomach, arms, and thighs. I am still trying to gain the weight back.
3. On a side note I got an A in my English class so I'm done with first year composition! I turned in my paper early to get 50 extra points earning me a 215/200 score. I was insanely stressed over that damn paper. I might post it on here later.
4. I'm transferring schools this semester from Estrella Mountain to Scottsdale Community College which is an hour away because it's the only school that has the classes I need for an AAS in film and television production. I'm excited about going to Scottsdale but I'm a little less excited because I thought I had made friends online who live in the East Valley but I guess not so I'm currently looking for people I can chill with and possibly sleepover because I have a late night class. I start my first class next Thursday on the 23rd.
5. On August 9 I've been clean of self harm for 8 months. That doesn't make it any easier. I am in so much mental anguish I wake up wanting to cut. I dream of it. But I don't because I know how much I'd hate myself if I relapsed and I can't handle hating myself more than I already do.
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